


Knocking on deaths door

by LightningHaski



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Cheating, Collars, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, First Kiss, Fluff, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, I have nothing against Jenna, I live for josh calling Tyler kitten, I suppose, I will forever write josh with blue hair, It was the best, Kinda romantic joshler, M/M, Non-Sexual Petplay, Oc’s purely because this is a high school, Panic Attacks, Poetry, Sad, Self-Harm, Song Lyrics, Suicidal Thoughts, Underage Smoking, Unrequited Love, and there’s teachers, blurry isn’t see in this, but mostly platonic - Freeform, but mostly to fuel the angst, but not really, i love her and she is a wonderful person, only referanced, used as poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-10-21 23:18:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17651582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightningHaski/pseuds/LightningHaski
Summary: Tyler was popular, he had good grades, he was on the basketball team and was on his way to getting a scholarship at the best college in America.But he had very dark secrets.





	Knocking on deaths door

**Author's Note:**

> I seem to not be able to write something that doesn’t involve mental health 
> 
> This is also really long and I apologise for that, but never the less I hope you enjoy
> 
> Trigger warnings  
> Suicidal thoughts  
> Self harm  
> Aniexty/panic attacks  
> Homophobia

It was just another Monday, Tyler woke up to his alarm clock going off telling him to get up and ready for school. Last night had not been very good, he had several panic attacks over the fact that he was starting his senior year of high school which led him to cut excessively on his hips.

He could feel the stinging every time he moved, it was a pleasant feeling but rather annoying at the same time because he would have to suppress a wince all day in school.

Tyler was popular in school, he was liked by everyone being the captain of the basketball team. But he had so many secrets under his belt that if they were leaked in school he would be demoted to the kid everyone will bully, he’s made it through three years he just has to survive one more before he can finally be free.

||-//

As soon as he arrives at school Tyler is flocked by a bunch of other students trying to talk to him. It’s annoying he just wants to get to his locker and head to class, at least his girlfriend hasn’t spotted him yet he didn’t want to deal with that as well.

He’s not even able to keep up with anything the people around him are saying since they just keep screaming at him all at once. When he finally pushes his way through the crowd he sees Joshua William Dun, the biggest punk in the school with his dyed sky blue hair, nose ring and gauges. He’s incredibly beautiful but Tyler can never have him, he’s not allowed to be gay it’s against the rules on being the captain of the basketball team and the most popular person in school.

He also has a girlfriend, if he breaks up with her there will be so much drama that he’s not willing to deal with. Plus Jenna is sweet he doesn’t want to break her heart, she really doesn’t deserve him.

He starts to head off to his first class when he notices that Joshua is staring right at him and probably has been since Tyler got to his locker, Tyler looks at him and when they make direct eye contact Joshua winks at him, he actually fucking winks at him. Tyler quickly looks away and starts speeding up on his way to class, he can feel his face slowly starting to heat up.

“Tyler!” That sickly sweet voice he has to listen to everyday comes from a mouth he has to kiss the lips of so people don’t question him.

He looks around to see where Jenna’s voice was coming from and when he spots her he immediately wants to die. She’s pretty don’t get him wrong but he’d rather not been seen with her on his arm 24/7, it’s tiring and he really doesn’t want her as his girlfriend.

“Hey, babe.” That word escaping from his throat makes him feel nauseous, she isn’t the one he wants to be saying that to.

“I’ve been looking for you, but I’ve got to get to class before Mr Herrington throws a fit about me being late. I’ll see you later, yeah?” She bats her long eyelashes and tucks a piece of her golden blonde hair behind her ear as she stares up at him through her lashes.

“Yeah, yeah of course. I’ll see you after class is over.” She smiles at that and goes up on her toes to plant a kiss on his cheek. He feels some vomit form in his mouth but he pushes it down.

She heads off to her class as Tyler continues down the hallway to his own. He has English first which is good because it’s his favourite class that he takes, he desperately wanted to take AP music but his parents would never approve.

As he takes his seat and gets settled down his teacher begins to speak. “Alright class, today we will be writing poetry.” A few students groan at that. “Now I know that it’s only the first day back but you all decided to take AP English so it’s your own fault. At the end of the lesson I will select five students to read their poems out to the class, they can be about anything you want just as long as they aren’t graphic. You may begin.”

Tyler has been writing poetry since he was about 15 he was pretty good at it so it was easy for him to think of something to write, hopefully he wasn’t picked on by the teacher since everything he wrote was actually kind of depressing.

However, luck wasn’t on his side today as his teacher called for everyone to stop writing she said she was going to call the first person to go to the front of the class and read their poem.

“Tyler Joseph.” Everyone in his class turned to look at him, he wanted to shrink into nothing he could feel his anxiety start to well up inside of him.

He slowly stood from his seat, grabbed his notebook off the table and headed to the front. He turned too look at everyone and he already felt like he was being judged, he raised his notebook and started reading.

“I'd die for you  
That's easy to say  
We have a list of people that we would take  
A bullet for them  
A bullet for you  
A bullet for everybody in this room  
But I don't seem to see many bullets coming through  
See many bullets coming through  
Metaphorically I'm the man  
But literally I don't know what I'd do  
I'd live for you  
And that's hard to do  
Even harder to say  
When you know it's not true  
Even harder to write  
When you know that tonight  
There are people back home which are talking to you  
But then you ignore them still  
All these questions they're forming like  
Who would you live for?  
Who would you die for?  
And would you ever kill?”

As soon as Tyler finished speaking he looked up from the page and saw all the other students mouths were hanging open. He looked at his teacher to see that she had the same reaction on her face, Tyler sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and began to chew on it.

“Umm thank-you Tyler, that was a very well written piece.” Tyler just nodded and returned to his seat, he didn’t pay any attention to the other people that went after him he was too busy staring down at his hands, they were starting to shake as panic slowly built up in his chest.

“Thank-you class, for next lesson I want you all to write another poem and every single one of you will read them out at the beginning.” As the bell rang they all stood up to head out the door for their next lesson. “Tyler, I want to speak with you please.”

He knew she was going to ask about the poem, _why was it so depressing, why did he write about dying, why was he so messed up._ “Yes, Mrs Longford?”

“Are you okay?” He wasn’t expecting her to ask that.

“Yeah why wouldn’t I be?” People being concerned for him was new.

“Well it’s just that your poem was so sad, I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.” Her voice was dripping with concern but her eyes only showed pity, he hated it.

“I’m good, believe me. I guess I’m just good at writing about sad topics.” He pulled up the fakest smile he could manage without it seeming like he was absolutely faking it.

“Okay, I believe you. You’re a little late for your next class so I’ll write you a note to explain to your teacher.” She didn’t look like she believed him at all.

“Thank-you, Mrs Longford.” Tyler quickly got out of that room and started to walk slowly to his next lesson, Jenna was in this one with him and he really didn’t want to see her.

As he started to approach the science block he caught sight of bright sky blue hair standing outside with smoke rising above it. He stood there for a few minutes that felt like hours as he stared at the beautiful hair on such a beautiful person, he didn’t realise Joshua had turned around and was looking at him until Tyler got fucking winked at again.

His face flushed so fast that he was tempted to just die right then and there until Joshua motioned for him to come outside with him. He still had smoke billowing out from those beautiful lips that Tyler wanted to kiss so badly.

Tyler moved slowly to the door next to the area that Joshua was smoking at. Once he was outside and standing next to Joshua did he really realise what he was doing, he was skipping class to hang out with a punk that was smoking on school grounds instead of being in class.

“Hey, haven’t seen you in a while.” Tyler’s increasing panic was starting to die down as he listened to the smooth voice that came out of Joshua’s mouth.

“Yeah well you shouldn’t have ditched me.” You see this was one of those dark secrets that Tyler had to keep hidden, he was childhood friends with Joshua.

They had a falling out the summer before they started middle school, Joshua was annoyed at Tyler’s popularity since he started to ditch Joshua to hang out with his new friends and Tyler was annoyed that Joshua had started to hang out with bad people, that’s where the smoking habit came from.

“I’m not the one that ditched their best friend because all the popular kids started to acknowledge my existence.” This is how all their conversations went since they fell out.

“I didn’t start smoking when I was 11 while hanging around bad people.” Tyler never wanted to fight he only ever wanted to crawl into Joshua’s arms.

“I wouldn’t have done that if my best friend didn’t abandon me after promising to always be by my side.” Joshua always tried to guilt trip him into saying it was Tyler’s fault he was like this.

“You made your own decisions, you didn’t have to take that first cigarette you chose to. Now look where it’s got you.” Despite the fact that they never raised their voices at each other they would still have this argument with fire behind each word they spit out.

“Yeah fine I did chose to take that first cigarette but only because I was so broken after you left me that I didn’t know what else to do.” Just as Joshua finish’s what he’s saying the school bell rings, signalling that class is over and Tyler missed all of it.

“It was nice seeing you again.” Joshua whispers this so quietly on his way past Tyler into the school that he’s not even sure Joshua said anything at all.

He sighs and decides it’s probably best to go and find his girlfriend, she’ll probably be really mad that he skipped his lesson.

||-//

“Tyler why weren’t you in science? I was so worried about you.” Sickly sweet voice that it is leaves Tyler feeling frustrated.

“I wasn’t feeling too good.” He’s gotten good at lying over the past few years.

“Oh no baby, are you okay?” It’s happening again he just wants it to end.

“Yeah I’m okay now, don’t worry.” Lies, lies and more lies that’s all he ever knows.

“I’m glad.” She giggles, it’s nauseating.

Jenna slides her arm under Tyler’s and clings to him, his skin prickles at the feel of it. He wants to pour bleach onto it and scrub till all the evidence of her has been removed.

He catches the eyes of a certain someone as he’s heading to class with Jenna digging her claws into his arm in a possessive manner. Joshua stares daggers at Jenna, he must notice the pained expression Tyler is giving off as his arm starts to bead with blood at the harshness of her nails.

Tyler’s next class actually has Joshua in it as well, which is never a fun experience since they tend to do a lot of group work in this subject and he’s always scared he’ll get paired up with Joshua.

But as previously mentioned luck is most definitely not on Tyler’s side today as when they get into class and begin the lesson his teacher tells them that they will be working on a project for the whole of the semester.

“I will be calling out who you are going to be paired with, once I say your name move over to your partner. The first group is Jenna Black and Debby Ryan.”

“Damn guess we won’t be together, babe.” He hates her voice.

“Yeah I guess not.” He gives her a fake smile. She moves over to Debby.

Tyler zones out for the rest of the groups being called until he hears his name.

“Tyler Joseph and Joshua Dun.” Tyler’s head snaps over to where Joshua is sitting, he sees Joshua wink at him. Seriously how many times is this asshole going to wink at him today, he grabs his stuff and moves over to sit next to Joshua.

“Didn’t expect to be working with me did you.” Joshua’s smooth voice does strange things to Tyler.

“I’d rather die than work with you.” Tyler wanted to keep as much venom out of his voice as he could.

“Sorry to disappoint, kitten.” The pet name brings back an unnecessary amount of memories. Joshua always used to call him kitten when they were kids because of how needy Tyler could be.

“Never call me that again.” Tyler was glaring at Joshua now. He just seems to ignore what Tyler said though.

“So, the project we have to do a presentation on the reason the US decided to join World War II after saying they were neutral for the first few years it was going on.” Tyler had no idea where he got that information from, he’s pretty sure their teacher hadn’t told them what they were doing yet.

“You weren’t paying attention again, were you kitten?” Tyler felt anger boil up inside of him but also an overwhelming amount of love.

“Shut up. And I told you to never call me that again.” Joshua just shrugged.

“You will be working on this in your own time, so sort out a schedule with your partner on when you can work on this.” Great, that meant they would have to go to each other’s house.

“I’ll be at your house for seven. See you then, kitten.” Joshua still continued with the pet name, as he got up to leave after the bell rang.

Wait. Joshua was coming over at seven, how could he have missed that. He couldn’t even use the excuse that he was going to be at basketball practice since that didn’t start until Thursday.

He was so screwed.

||-//

School finally ended, this semester was starting to look like a shit show and if it continues down this path Tyler might never make it to graduation. He decided to clean his room up a little bit in preparation for Joshua coming over.

He heard the house bell ring a few times before the front door was opened. Tyler could hear the whole conversation downstairs.

“Oh Josh it’s so good to see you again. Are you here to see Tyler?” Oh no Joshua had come early it was only 18:50, and his mother answered the door.

“That’s right Mrs Joseph, me and Ty are working on a history project together.” He used his nickname, Tyler hasn’t heard that in so long.

“Well head on up to his room then, you still know where it is?” Tyler was starting to regret not being downstairs ready for when Joshua arrived.

“Yep, up the stairs end of the hall.” He could hear his mother chuckle and then footsteps on the stairs before his door was being opened.

“It’s rude to enter without knocking you know.” The audacity that Joshua had.

“Yeah I was hoping you wouldn’t mind, sorry kitten.” He really needed to stop saying that with his smooth voice and beautiful lips.

“Whatever. Sit down somewhere so that we can start working.” Joshua decides to sit on Tyler’s bed until he just falls backwards onto it.

“Your bed hasn’t changed from the last time I was here, almost seven years ago. It’s still as soft as ever.” Tyler was blushing, having Joshua laying on his bed all stretched out caused all sorts of thoughts to surface.

“Get up and sit on the bed properly.” Joshua didn’t move.

“Come join me, kitten. I know that you’re still as needy as ever.” There was no way that Joshua could possibly know that.

“Absolutely not. Don’t make me kick you out.” At that Joshua sat up. He pulled his laptop out of his bag and started to get some research done.

Tyler moved to sit onto the bed to see what Joshua was coming up with. He started to feel sleepy about half an hour later. He lay back on his bed to stretch his back out, next thing he knew he was waking up to a warm body pushed up against his own.

He looked over at the clock on his nightstand to see that it was 23:48. He felt soothing lips at the back on his neck and the arm around his waist tighten. He started to panic, who was sleeping next to him and why were they so close.

He turns over to see sky blue hair sprawled out over the pillow as the moonlight reflects off of it. He was sleeping with Joshua fucking Dun, how could he be so careless. He wanted to get away from him but every time he tried to move the arm around his waist tightened before relaxing again when he stopped moving, he was trapped.

He decided to just give into his desires and curled up into Joshua’s chest, he wouldn’t need to know that Tyler actually wanted to be held while he slept, he really was needy. As he started to drift off again he heard a barely there whisper that could have been in his head.

“My cute little kitten.”

||-//

When Tyler woke up the next morning Joshua was no where in sight and neither were his things. Last night must have been a dream then when he woke up in the middle of the night.

Tyler made his was downstairs to the kitchen when he spotted his mother he froze.

“It’s was nice to see Josh again last night. I saw him leave about an hour ago.” Damn maybe last night wasn’t a dream then.

“Oh I see, he’ll probably be over again at some point since we’re working on a project.” He didn’t want Joshua to come over again though.

“It’ll be nice for you two to catch up again.” With that his mother left for work.

Tyler headed off to school, his first lesson was history meaning that he had to deal with Joshua again, thankfully he didn’t need to since Joshua was sat at the back of the class and Jenna had already saved a seat for Tyler.

“Morning, baby.” She leaned over and placed a kiss to Tyler’s cheek. He cringed internally.

“Morning.” He was mad at Joshua for staying in his room last night, he should have left as soon as Tyler had fallen asleep.

The class continued with no other problems. Jenna rambled now and then about this and that, honestly Tyler wasn’t even listening to a word coming out of her mouth. As soon as the class ended Tyler was up and out the door heading off to English, he wanted to be as far away as possible from both Jenna and Joshua.

When he got into class he completely forgot that they had a homework assignment that they had to perform at the beginning of class, thankfully he had a while to write something down before it was his turn to present.

“Tyler, if you would like to come up to the front and read your poem please.” Mrs Longford was giving him concerned looks again.

Tyler got up and made his way to the front. He began to read.

“Am I the only one I know  
Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat  
Shadows will scream that I'm alone  
I've got a migraine  
And my pain will range from up, down, and sideways  
Thank God it's Friday cause Fridays will always be better than Sundays  
'Cause Sundays are my suicide days  
I don't know why they always seem so dismal  
Thunderstorms, clouds, snow and a slight drizzle  
Whether it's the weather or the ledges by my bed  
Sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head  
Let it be said what the headache represents  
It's me defending in suspense  
It's me suspended in a defenseless test  
Being tested by a ruthless examiner  
That's represented best by my depressing thoughts  
I do not have writer's block my writer just hates the clock  
It will not let me sleep I guess I'll sleep when I'm dead  
And sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head”

As soon as Tyler was finished he didn’t wait around for the looks his classmates and teacher were bound to give him, he just walked back to his seat to allow the next person to go.

When class was over he didn’t stop and wait for his teacher to call on him, he just headed out the door as fast as possible to go to his next class. He got stopped by a hand on his arm pulling him into the bathroom.

“Let go of me.” He was struggling against the hand, he couldn’t see who was pulling him.

“Not gonna happen, kitten.” That pet name and that smooth beautiful voice told him exactly who it was.

“Get off of me, Joshua.” He heard Joshua chuckle behind him.

“Wow to think that you can’t even use the nickname you gave me or shorten my name down anymore.” Joshua was getting a kick out of this. “Listen up kitten, I’ll be over at your house again tonight at seven. We didn’t get much done last night since the needy kitten fell asleep.”

“Stop it, stop calling me that.” Tyler was getting heated and not in the way he liked, he wasn’t angry but he wanted to be.

“I’ll see you tonight, kitten.” And with that Joshua left the bathroom.

||-//

Tyler was agitated during the rest of his classes until it was time to go home. As soon as he got home he went up to his room and cried, Joshua was really starting to get to him. The previous three years of high school he never once interacted with him outside of the arguments they always had, but now he was making an effort to track him down.

He decided to cut, he last did it Sunday he didn’t have the time to do it yesterday since he was stressing about Joshua coming over for the first time in six years. He made precise even cuts on his hips and the tops of his thighs, never going for an area that people will see if he’s getting changed for basketball.

He climbed onto his bed and cried more he was so weak. He was worthless, he couldn’t do anything right and he missed Joshua. No, he didn’t. He missed his Josh, he missed his J. The person that was always there by his side when the voices in his head would become so loud he wanted to die. The person that would hold him as he cried himself to sleep.

After his tears had dried to his face he grabbed the notebook he always wrote his poetry in and started to write something he had been coming up with all day.

_There’s and infestation in my minds imagination_  
_I hope they choke on smoke_  
_‘Cause I’m smoking them out the basement_  
_This is not rap, this is not hip hop_  
_Just another attempt to make the voices stop_  
_Rapping to prove nothing_  
_Just writing to say something_  
_‘Cause I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t rushing to say nothing_  
_This doesn’t mean I lost my dream_  
_It’s just right now I got a really crazy mind to clean_  
_Know what I mean?_

_No I didn’t understand a thing you said_  
_If I didn’t know better I’d guess you’re all already dead_  
_Mindless zombies walking around with a limp and a hunch_  
_Saying stuff like “you only live once”_  
_Yeah once you got one time to figure it out_  
_One time to twist and one time to shout_  
_One time to think and I say we start now_  
_Because death inspires me like a dog inspire a rabbit_

After he’s finished writing Tyler looks at his clock and sees he still has three hours before Joshua is supposed to arrive, so he decides to take a quick nap.

||-//

He wakes up a few hours later to a hand carding through his hair, he unconsciously pushing his head further into the head and starts humming in the back of his throat.

“Aww the kitten really likes being pet, he’s even purring.” At that Tyler’s eyes snap open and he sits up so fast he gets head rush and his vision starts spinning. “I didn’t mean to scare you kitten, you can go back to sleep.”

When Tyler’s vision clears he looks at Joshua to see that he’s sitting on Tyler’s bed with his back against the headboard. Tyler turns to look at his clock and notices that it’s 21:30, great Joshua has been here for over two hours.

“Why didn’t you wake me?” Tyler’s voiced is filled with sleep.

“Because you just looked so peaceful. And you looked like you needed it.” Joshua turns his gaze onto Tyler and his eyes seem to sparkle. “When have I ever woken you up when you’ve been crying.” He says that last bit in a barely there whisper that it’s almost inaudible.

“But you came round to work on the project. So you had every right to wake me regardless of whether I needed it or not.” Tyler was starting to get a little frustrated by Joshua’s actions.

“We can work on the project now that you’re awake.” Joshua looked at him the way that he did six years ago, his eyes full of love and affection.

“Okay then let’s start doing some research.”

||-//

About two hours into the researching process Tyler was beginning to feel sleepy again, Joshua seemed to notice.

“You know you can go back to sleep if you want.” He was always so kind and that annoyed Tyler.

“No, I’m okay.” He really wasn’t, but Joshua didn’t need to know that. He just shrugs and returns his attention to their research.

Tyler could feel his eyes getting heavier the more he looked at the laptop screen, he decided to lay back against his pillows which now that he thinks about it is a bad idea since he’s getting sleepier.

Next thing he knows he’s being pulled against a warm body, with a hand running through his hair and soft murmurs telling him to sleep. He begins to hum in the back of his throat again, wow he really is a needy kitten, as he snuggles up into the arms that are holding onto him like he’s a lifeline.

As he starts to fall asleep breathing in the scent of the person holding him, he feel lips being pressed against his forehead and cheek, after that it’s just darkness and warmth.

||-//

When he wakes up in the morning he’s still tightly pressed against a warm body, he breaths and gets some of that relaxing scent into his lungs. He’s humming in the back of his throat in no time, was he actually a cat born in a human body the desire to purr was so unconscious that it definitely wasn’t normal.

He’s snuggling further into the chest against his as he buries his face into the neck of his own personal space heater. In the back of his mind he knows that this is Joshua, but right there in the moment he just doesn’t care.

He hears quiet groaning coming from above him as a hand moves from his waist to the back of his head to card through his hair. He burrows further into the body and his humming gets louder, why is he so needy.

“Morning, kitten.” Joshua doesn’t seem at all fazed by the fact that Tyler is pressed so close up against him that they might as well be one person or that he’s humming so loud he’s starting to annoy himself.

In response to his comment Tyler decides to place a small kitten lick to the side of Joshua’s neck before pressing his nose against the spot he licked and breathing in deeply, inhaling so much of Joshua’s scent that it’s all Tyler’s lungs are able to keep inside of him.

Joshua chuckles at his antics before going to move away to get up off the bed, until he hears Tyler’s whine that replaces the humming and the strong grip of his hand twisting into his shirt.

“What’s up, kitten?” Tyler just whines again in response pulling Joshua back down so that he can curl up against him again. “You have to use your words kitten.”

“Don’t move.” He says in a voice so quiet and mumbled against Joshua’s neck that he’s pretty sure Joshua could only feel the vibrations and not what he actually said, but Joshua seems to understand him as he replies.

“We have to go to school though, kitten.” Joshua’s hand comes back up to pet through Tyler’s hair and the humming starts up again.

“I’m sick can’t go, neither can you. I got you sick.” Somehow Tyler manages to speak perfectly whilst also keeping up the constant humming.

“As much as I’d love to spend the whole day cuddling with a needy kitten, I really think we should go to school.” Tyler was whining again, Joshua didn’t like that noise. “Okay, okay fine, we’ll stay in bed all day. How does that sound?”

Tyler responded with an enthusiastic humming that continued on until he fell asleep again, wrapped up in the warm arms of Joshua William Dun. He’d probably regret doing this later on, but right now he didn’t care.

||-//

At around 12:30 Tyler wakes up again, his head is resting on Joshua’s chest with his face buried into his neck. Tyler can’t get enough of his scent, it’s so tranquillising. He places a few kitten licks to Joshua’s neck again and when he doesn’t get a response he places more until he does.

He expects Joshua to start petting through his hair or say something to him, but what he does instead sends a shiver down Tyler’s spine. Joshua pushes his hand up the back on Tyler’s shirt and strokes down his back until he reaches Tyler’s tailbone before sliding his hand back up to repeat the motion.

Tyler starts to squirm as Joshua continues the motion on his back, before he settles down again. When he realises he’s basically laying on top of Joshua now with his back arched and ass in the air whilst also kicking up the humming again.

Joshua chuckles below him never ceasing the petting. “I wish you had a tail, kitten. A soft little tail coming out right here.” After saying that he taps Tyler’s tailbone which causes him to jerk forward and press his face more into Joshua’s neck. “And to complete the look you need some soft ears nestled into that fluffy hair of yours.” He brings his other hand up to scratch Tyler’s hair before petting his hand through it.

“Mmmm J feels good.” Tyler doesn’t realise he let the nickname he gave to Joshua slip from his mouth or the quiet moaning that’s building up behind his throat as he’s humming.

“My needy little kitten always wanting attention. Maybe I should get you a collar to go around your lithe throat with a tag resting in between your clavicles, how does that sound, kitten?” Tyler wasn’t even really listening to what Joshua was saying, he was too blissed out by the petting.

“Sounds good, J. Wanna be owned.” Tyler expected those words to sound foreign in his mouth but he discovered how true they actually were, damn he was so submissive.

Tyler was letting out breathy moans against Joshua’s neck and he decided he had enough. With the grip he had on Tyler’s head and back he flipped then over on the bed so that he was on top, he pulled away from Tyler just slightly so that he could see his face. Tyler’s eyes were shinning with wet unshed tears, and his mouth parted slightly to let the moans out which only caused the humming to be louder.

“Beautiful, kitten. Absolutely beautiful, that bitch doesn’t deserve you.” Joshua leaned forward to slot his lips against Tyler’s, he moved the hand in Tyler’s hair to cup his face gently and the one on his back he slid around to Tyler’s stomach and moved his hand back and forth.

Tyler was moaning into Joshua’s mouth because of the soft, delicate caresses on his abdomen. He had wanted to kiss this beautiful boy with sky blue hair since they were kids, but always felt like Joshua didn’t feel the same way.

Joshua pulled back slightly, he spoke against Tyler’s lips. “We’re going to the mall, kitten. Let’s get you dressed.” Tyler was still so blissed out from the petting that he willing allowed Joshua to pull him up and start taking the clothes off that he had on yesterday.

He heard a slight gasp come from below him and he looked down to see Joshua staring at his hips after he’d taken his underwear off. Tyler felt so ashamed in that moment that he wanted to curl up and die, he tried to pull away from Joshua’s grip on his waist but he was stronger compared to Tyler.

He felt tears slid down his face. “I’m sorry, I’m so so so so so sorry. I’m an idiot, worthless, unloved, I should die.” Joshua tightened his grip on Tyler’s waist before looking up into his eyes.

“You are none of those things Ty, absolutely none of them.” He looked back down at the cuts on Tyler’s hips before leaning forward and placing soft, barely there kisses onto each one of them. It made Tyler cry even harder, Joshua was kissing the part of him that was just so ugly he could barely stand to look there himself.

When Joshua was done in his ministrations, he continued helping Tyler get dressed before pulling some of Tyler’s clothes out for himself to change into.

“Come on kitten off to the mall we go.” He grabbed Tyler’s hand after making sure his face was void of any stray tears.

“Why are we going to the mall?” Tyler’s voice sounded so broken as it cracked on each word.

“To get some food from Taco Bell and also a pretty collar for my pretty kitten.” Joshua turned around and winked at him then, causing Tyler to blush a furious red.

||-//

They headed to the pet store first once they got to the mall. Joshua was browsing at the cat collars to see which one would be perfect for Tyler, whilst Tyler was staring at one that he knew he needed. It was a pastel blue and thick enough it wouldn’t snap on his neck with little stones on it and an engraving leading to the buckle on either side, he couldn’t take his eyes off of it.

“Find one you like, kitten?” Tyler turns around to see that Joshua is standing behind him looking at the same collar he had just been staring at for the past 10 minutes.

Tyler shakes his head and starts to walk off when Joshua grabs his wrist with his left hand and the collar in his right. He spun Tyler around so that he was facing him and held the collar up to his throat, he nodded once before pulling Tyler to the cashier.

He placed the collar down onto the counter. “Will that be all, sir?”

“Can I get a tag to go with it please?” Tyler was darting his eyes everywhere before grabbing onto the back of ‘Joshua’s’ shirt.

“Certainly sir, do you have a preference?” Joshua looked down at the glass counter to get a look at the tags, he saw a paw print one and knew that was the one.

“I’d like that one please.” He pointed at the paw.

“Yes, sir. And the name of your cat as well as your own with your number.”

“My cat is called Ty, my name is J and for the number.” He said his number as the cashier wrote all the information down, before taking the tag and heading into the back room to engrave it.

“Are you okay, kitten?” Tyler nodded slightly before looking down at his feet. “Hey look at me.” Tyler looked back up into Josh’s eyes, Tyler’s eyes were shining with tears unshed. “There’s my pretty kitten.” Josh’s voice was filled with so much love.

The cashier came back with the tag and hooked it onto the collar, before ringing them up. Josh thanked him on his way out the store.

They walked over to Taco Bell in silence, Tyler just wanted to go home so that he can wear his new collar. It wasn’t until they were sat down with their orders that the gravity of the situation came crashing down on Tyler.

“Hey what’s up?” Josh’s voice was so full of concern.

“We shouldn’t be doing this, I have a girlfriend.” Tyler’s voice was cracking again, it was the first time he’d spoken since they left his house.

“Well she obviously isn’t satisfying your needs, Tyler. I know how needy you can be and judging by the fact that you can’t get enough of me touching you, I’d say your touch starved.” Josh always had a way of analysing him without actually needing to do anything, he just knew he so well even after all these years.

“But if someone at school finds out then it’ll be over for the both of us. You for destroying a ‘perfect’ relationship and me for being gay.” He says that last part so quietly but Josh still hears him.

“Hey, I promised you when we were kids that I’d always protect you and I’m sticking by that. If people start to hurt you because of this then they’ll have to go through me first.” He grabbed onto Tyler’s hand, lacing their fingers together.

Tyler started to calm down from the oncoming panic attack, he looked up at Josh before nodding slowly.

“Come on let’s get you home, kitten. You need to rest after all the emotions you’ve been feeling today.” Josh gave him a warm smile.

When did he start referring to him as Josh in his head. He shrugged it off as he was lead out of the restaurant.

||-//

As soon as they got back to Tyler’s house and into his room, Josh pulled the collar out and sat Tyler down in front of the mirror as he put it around his neck. Tyler was staring at his throat as the tag landed against the hallow of his neck.

“Now that I think about it we should have gotten you a bell too.” Josh’s words snapped Tyler out of his trance, he looked at Josh through the mirror before he was getting pulled back towards the bed. Josh lifted him up by the backs of his thighs before sitting down on the bed, Tyler curled up against his chest breathing in Josh’s scent as it started to stick to the clothes he borrowed off Tyler.

He felt a hand trail up under his shirt before he felt it slide down his spine, it was relaxing. He started to settle in and was on his way to falling asleep when he heard the front door open and close, it was 16:30 which meant his siblings would be getting home from school.

He started to panic, he knew that at least one of them would walk into his room and ask why he didn’t go to school today. He couldn’t have that since he was in a compromising position with Josh and he was wearing a collar. He started to squirm trying to get out of Josh’s lap.

“Hey, hey calm down kitten. It’s okay I promise. Shush come on kitten deep breaths for me you got this.” Josh was really good when it came to calming Tyler down.

Tyler started to breathe deeply inhaling Josh’s scent again, he calmed down almost instantly. “See there we go, all calm again aren’t we kitten?” Tyler nodded his head. “Use your words gorgeous.”

“All calm, master.” He let out a soft meow at the end of his conformation, Josh didn’t expect to be addressed as ‘master’ though.

“Is that what you want me to be kitten, your master?” The response he got was a nod of Tyler’s head and another soft meow.

He was slipping further into his headspace, they would need to discuss this when he wasn’t wearing the collar. Josh decided to just continue petting Tyler and he was humming and mewling in seconds, Josh couldn’t stop the smile from spreading to his face.

“Come on kitten time for a nap.” He got a meow in response and an adorable kitten curling up closer to him and he slid down the bed to lay down.

Tyler was asleep in no time, Josh noticed he liked to breathe into his neck it was probably for his scent to make him feel grounded and safe. Josh fell asleep too as he listened to his kittens soft snores of attempted purring in his sleep.

||-//

Turns out Tyler slept through the rest of the day and woke up when his alarm was going off for school. He moved over to turn it off and felt a strong presence against his back and a jingle around his neck. He brought his hand up to his throat and felt the collar, he blushed as he recalled all of yesterday meaning that Josh had probably stayed over again.

“Morning, kitten. Let’s get you up and dressed for the day. We actually have to go school this time since you have basketball practice tonight and the captain can’t be off for the first one.” Josh pulled him up and started to undress him and put fresh clothes on.

When Josh went to take his collar off Tyler’s hand darted up to stop him, he grabbed onto his wrist. “Come on kitten, you can’t go to school with it around your neck.” Tyler looked up at him with pleading puppy dog eyes (more like kitty cat eyes in this case.) “No Tybaby I’m sorry but you can’t.” Tyler started to whine he really wanted to, Josh wasn’t having any of it as he reached behind his neck and unbuckled it.

Once the weight of the collar was gone from his neck Tyler looked at Josh with hatred. “Why can’t I wear it at school?”

“Because you said so yourself yesterday if people found out you’d be criticised and that scared you.” Josh had a point.

“But you said you’d protect me if anything happened.” Tyler was trying to corner him.

“I did say that yes. But only in the sense that if it got out, not if you willingly told people, I’d still protect you even then but I just want to keep you as safe as possible. I always have.” Josh had trapped him in the corner, Tyler sighed and gave up.

“Okay fine, I’ll hide it then.” Tyler just wanted to show everyone that he was finally Josh’s.

“We also need to discuss some rules for this. You are to only call me ‘master’ when your collar is on, and this is in no way going to turn sexual it is purely for you to relax and sink into your headspace to clear the voices from your head, understand?” Tyler nodded before asking.

“Can we still kiss though?” His voice was small, he was afraid Josh would deny him of that.

“Yes we can still kiss when you have your collar on Ty.” He had a soft smile and shinning eyes before cupping Tyler face in both hands and kissing him slowly.

It was everything Tyler wanted and needed at the same time. Josh pulled away grabbing Tyler’s hand and both of their bags before heading off to school.

||-//

Tyler felt bad, him and Josh couldn’t be seen together at school because that would start up a lot of rumours. When Jenna came up to him and clung to his arm he wanted to die, he was technically cheating on her with Josh but he really didn’t care.

“So I was thinking, how about I come over to your house tonight? We haven’t actually gone all the way yet and I really want to before we graduate.” Tyler choked on his spit.

“You know I’m waiting till marriage to have sex.” That wasn’t at all true, last year Tyler had gone out and had been fucked by multiple guys.

“I know but I really think you should set that aside for me. We’ve been dating for eight months Tyler.” True but he had no sexual thoughts towards her, when he got off it was to thoughts about Josh doing sinful things to him.

“Plus I also have basketball practice tonight and then Joshua is coming over so that we can work on the project.” That wasn’t necessarily a lie.

“Well you can just tell him you have a change of plans though can’t you.” She was beginning to plead in that sickly voice of hers.

“Sorry not tonight.” She huffed and walked away, he caught Josh smiling at him from the corner of his eye.

||-//

English was the most daunting lesson, his teacher decided that they would continue working on poetry in this lesson too since some of his class wasn’t that good at writing it. His teacher also decided that since he was the best in class at writing it he would have to read his aloud again. He got up and went to the front of his class.

“What's my problem?  
Well, I want you to follow me down to the bottom  
Underneath the insane asylum  
Keep your wits about you while you got 'em  
'Cause your wits are first to go while you're problem-solving  
And my problem?  
We glorify those, even more, when they  
My opinion  
Our culture can treat a loss  
Like it's a win and right before we turn on them  
We give them the highest of praise, and hang their banner from a ceiling  
Communicating, further engraving  
An earlier grave is an optional way  
No

What's my problem?  
Don't get it twisted  
It's with the people we praise who may have assisted  
I could use the streams and extra conversations  
I could give up, and boost up my reputation  
I could go out with a bang  
They would know my name  
They would host and post a celebration  
My opinion will not be lenient  
My opinion, it's real convenient  
Our words are loud, but now I'm talking action  
We don't get enough love?  
Well, they get a fraction  
They say, "How could he go if he's got everything?"  
I'll mourn for a kid, but won't cry for a king

Promise me this  
If I lose to myself  
You won't mourn a day  
And you'll move onto someone else

Don't get me wrong  
The rise in awareness  
Is beating a stigma that no longer scares us  
But for sake of discussion  
In spirit of fairness  
Could we give this some room for a new point of view?  
And, could it be true that some could be tempted  
To use this mistake as a form of aggression?  
A form of succession?  
A form of a weapon?  
Thinking "I'll teach them"  
Well, I'm refusing the lesson  
It won't resonate in our minds  
I'm not disrespecting what was left behind  
Just pleading that "it" does not get glorified  
Maybe we swap out what it is that we hold so high  
Find your grandparents or someone of age  
Pay some respects for the path that they paved  
To life, they were dedicated  
Now, that should be celebrated”

He decided to do a full poem this time around, he would be willing to go to poetry slams but he didn’t have the confidence to that. To expose himself so openly to strangers, he could handle it in class since he’s pretty much known everyone since they were kids.

“Thank-you Tyler for that perfect delivery.” He nodded towards his teacher and went to sit down.

The rest of his classes seemed to drag on until finally it was time to go to basketball practice, he had missed the routine of it all. When he got into the locker room he was assaulted by all of his teammates as they talked to him about the new plan for the school year.

He just had to survive a few more hours before he could go home and curl up against Josh. Which was easier said than done since training seemed to get a lot worse than it had in his previous years, it was harder to keep up with it.

||-//

As he started to pack up his clothes when training had ended, he headed out the locker room just to be jumped by his annoying girlfriend.

“Hey babe. You ready to go home?” He groaned internally he didn’t want to deal with this.

“I already told you Jenna, it’s not happening tonight. I already have plans.” He really wanted to just turn and walk away but she’d be angry and throw a fit, which was much worse than just telling her no over and over.

“So you have a problem fucking me but will gladly fuck Joshua, the guy you’ve hated since you were eleven.” Where did she get the idea that they were fucking.

“What are you talking about?” He was really confused.

“Oh please, some of our friends saw you two holding hands in the mall yesterday while you were skipping school.” Damn he needs to be more careful next time.

“He was helping me out.” Tyler was starting to get mad.

“By holding your hand despite knowing that you have a girlfriend.” Why was she getting angry over this.

“People can hold hands in a platonic sense.” That was entirely true.

“Not guys, Tyler. Are you gay or something? Because if so that’s disgusting, to think I’ve been dating a fag all this time.” That stung.

“What are you going on about?” Tyler was trying to will himself not to cry.

“I’ve had enough, you won’t fuck me, you hold hands with a guy you hate and your gay. How could I be so stupid as to not notice it?” She turned to leave and after taking a few steps turned and came back. She slapped him hard against the cheek before turning away again.

He could feel the tears begin to leak out of his eyes. He ran, he didn’t know where he was running to but he just ran, it was better than being stuck there. He hit a hard chest and would have fallen to the floor had it not been for strong arms holding him up.

“Hey are you okay, kitten?” Soft beautiful voice, it was master.

Tyler was shaking his head violently that he almost fainted from the dizziness it caused him.

“Talk to me kitten, what happened?” Master was concerned, he needed to use words.

“She hit me, it hurt.” The tears came more now.

“Who hit you Tybaby?” Master sounded angry.

“Jenna, she said I was gay and disgusting.” Master was really angry now as he tried to calm his kitten down while wiping away his tears.

“It’s okay kitten, let’s get you home and into bed. How does that sound?” Tyler responded with a soft meow, that was all Josh needed. He scooped Tyler up into his arms and carried him to his car.

When they arrived back at Tyler’s house Josh carried Tyler up to his room, setting him gently onto his bed before retrieving the collar and attaching it around Tyler’s neck.

“Master, pet please.” Tyler wanted comfort, he hated himself.

“Okay kitten, I’ll give you all the petting you deserve.” Josh settled down onto the bed pulling Tyler close to him and running his hand through Tyler’s hair, he starts to purr.

“Master, cuddles.” Josh can’t get over how needy Tyler really is, he’s gotten a lot worse since they were kids.

“All the cuddles for my baby boy. My kitten deserves the world.” Tyler all but squeals at that, diving into Josh’s arms and burying himself closer than is probably necessary. “Woah careful kitten, don’t want you getting hurt.”

“Master is the best, I love Master.” Tyler is rubbing his uninjured cheek against Josh’s face.

“I love you too, kitten. Now come on nap time.” Tyler settles down at that and burrows his face into Josh’s neck, breathing deeply and falling asleep.

There was going to be hell breaking loose in school tomorrow.

||-//

It was finally Friday when Tyler woke up, he didn’t have basketball today since practice was only on Tuesdays and Thursdays so he could just go home straight away and be with Josh.

After Josh had gotten them both ready for school they headed off. Tyler didn’t want to be alone so he pleaded with Josh to let him stay around him and Josh willingly agreed, he needed to protect his kitten.

Tyler was holding onto the back on Josh’s shirt as they walked into the school. As soon as they got in everyone was staring at them, not expecting the two of them to be so close. Josh pulled Tyler forward and put his arm around his shoulder whilst he walked him to his locker, when they got up to his locker he wanted to cry. Scrawled across it in permanent marker were harsh words.

**Fag**  
**Homo**  
**Disgusting**  
**Die**  
**Freak**  
**Worthless**

Josh pulled him around into a hug and whispered soothing words into his ear. He was making Josh’s shirt wet with his tears.

“Do you wanna go home, kitten?” Josh whispered into his ear and he felt Tyler nod against his chest. “Okay let’s go then.”

When they got back into Josh’s car Tyler pulled his feet up onto the chair and buried his face in his knees, tears were still leaking out. Josh held his hand the whole ride back rubbing circles on the back of Tyler’s hand with his thumb.

Tyler’s mom had the day off work so she was shocked to see the two boys come in when they were supposed to be at school.

“Is everything okay?” She sounded concerned.

“Yeah don’t worry, Tyler wasn’t feeling that well is all.” Josh guided Tyler up the steps to his room, grabbing the collar and placing it around Tyler’s neck as he sat him down on the bed.

“Do you wanna take a nap, kitten?” Tyler shook his head and pointed at his clothes.

“Off.” Josh smiled slightly as he started pulling Tyler’s shirt off over his head.

“Remember kitten this isn’t going to be sexual, that’s one of our rules.” Tyler nodded he remembered the rules they had put in place, he just wanted skin on skin contact with Josh right now though.

Josh pulled his shirt off as well and Tyler just stared down at his jeans. “Do you want them off too?” Tyler meowed at that, leaning back on his bed and raising his hips so that Josh could easily slide them off.

Josh did the same to his own jeans so that Tyler wasn’t embarrassed at being the only one basically naked. Tyler climbed under the covers and pulled on Josh’s hand for him to follow, as soon as Josh was laying down Tyler climbed on top of him. Pressing his face into Josh’s neck, breathing him in, purring as Josh’s hands slid up and down his back and sides. Their legs tangled together hands grabbing for purchase on each other’s bodies, they connected together like long lost puzzle pieces that had been lost and finally found again.

“Everything will be okay, kitten. I’m here for you, I promised to always keep you safe and I will forever and always stick by that.” Tyler raised his head at Josh’s words and pressed a kiss to his lips, tucking his head back down again.

And maybe in that moment everything was okay, as long as Tyler had Josh in his life he would never be alone again with the voices in his head.

**Author's Note:**

> Emotional but happy and kind of a shitty ending sorry
> 
> Lyrics used  
> Ride  
> Migraine  
> Heavydirtysoul (street poetry version)  
> Neon gravestones


End file.
